Oct. 24, 2021

During our Unitarian Universalist Association’s General Assembly (“GA”) each year, the Right Relations Team for GA gives a Report nearly every day. They tell the community how we are doing in living into a loving community.  Sometimes there are examples of generous compassion. Often we hear of times when harm has been done. In these cases, we have opportunities to learn. Our congregation’s Right Relations Team is following the example of our larger denomination by sharing the following report with you today.

 In this past week, there has been harm caused to members of our congregation who are already dealing daily with oppressions that are a real threat to their lives. This is a challenge to our congregation, as we believe that “Love is our doctrine.”  As unintended as the harm may have been, these ill-considered actions have caused deep harm, hurt feelings, and intense reactions to people who are all too accustomed to oppression.  It is all the more intense because we profess to be a congregation of Love for all.   Is there a learning lesson for us as we process these situations and actions?

 Our adoption of the Proposed 8th Principle calls us to “covenant to affirm and promote: journeying toward spiritual wholeness by working to build a diverse multicultural Beloved Community by our actions that accountability dismantle racism and other oppressions in ourselves and our institutions.” These powerful words call us to be our better selves.

 The best of intentions of one or more of our members can be harmful to others. Discovering that our words or actions have caused another person harm can be a surprising revelation as we truly do have the intention of living out our best selves. When another person brings to our attention the hurt we have caused, that is the moment of decision that can make a difference between living in loving relationship and transmitting oppression. 

Our adoption of the Proposed 8th Principle calls us to covenant – the bedrock of our Faith. It calls us to journey to “spiritual wholeness” – consistency of our actions and the loving effect that should have. It also calls us to Build a Beloved Community, an important directive of our Church’s mission and vision. As we are accountable to each other in the recognition of oppressive actions – conscious or unconscious – we are invited back to spiritual wholeness.

These situations call us to follow a profound motto to: “Learn Humbly, Act Courageously.”

 Humbly listen and allow the other person to express the pain they feel. Listen without defending yourself. You may witness anger, deep pain, and sorrow, but you will survive. Forgive yourself, which doesn’t mean absolve yourself of accountability. Humbly acknowledge that their feelings are valid and real and make them as human as you are – with inherent dignity and worth.

 Trying to defend your actions adds salt to the wound. In our male-dominant culture, we have all been trained to recoil and defend in the face of accusations about our behavior when we learn we have caused pain.  We all were taught this – usually to survive in this culture. To the person who was hurt, it is a shallow and false defense of your ego, not a sincere effort to connect and heal. It is wasted energy to explain how your “intentions were good.” In fact, insisting that your intentions were not meant to be cruel poses the question of your basic understanding of oppression and gaslighting. The more you insist on explaining, the more you are communicating how insignificant the other’s feelings (and experiences of oppression) are. Don’t do it.  Be very humble and learn.

Then: “Act Courageously”.  Apologize sincerely and briefly for the harm you have caused.  That is a courageous act!  Humility and courage are what is called for, not a defense of your intention.  Listen to the vulnerable person who is feeling hurt, don’t try to fix them.  Learn!  And do better.

The job of being human is not perfection. The job and journey of being human is to discover whether every intention, thought, and action are showing others the purest Love.  Insisting on being “right” is inconsistent with being loving.

 If you still have strong feelings after listening and apologizing, seek out a trusted person who was not harmed by your actions and ask to process your feelings with them. As our congregation lives into the 8th Principle, it is natural for us to experience growing pains. We are all learning as we journey toward beloved community.